Eskimo_Habitat

Im so sore. Im so exhausted.
And from what?
From depression.
And from the way ive been dealing with it.
It's hard to see why I do these things unless you invaded my head.
Unless you actually sat down and listened
to everything ive been saying for years.
It's strange how ive been failing in school,
from the simple fact that i stopped caring,
and still ive managed to be an honors student.
So, I have to graduate now.
I have to.
Even though I'll only be doing it for everybody else.
In my opinion, I feel like I can do anything in the world....
once I get out of high school....
once I get out of virginia.
I want to keep my thoughts,
all of my insane antics and ambitions,
my personality,
and all of the things I love.
I want to be me.

Gosh today was strange....hanging out with my ex.
Fuck.
so weird.



not over her.

damn.
ok. single.
yes.
happy?
fuck no.
but my friends....
gah ^_^
they're great.
getting my tongue pierced today.
fucking right.

Taking it one day at a time.
Playing Kingdom Hearts for the first time.
It's basically amazing.
Ive never been into video games at all.
In fact, they bore me.
But this....is pure genius.

Im trying to stay sane
but this has to be a sign that im not moving out of my depression.
Im just getting comfortable.

I took advice and tried it out,
even though she continued to ignore me.
I cant stop thinking about her,
but I know I have to.
I know it's going to be really fucking hard.

Me and my girlfriend broke up last night,
because my friends dont like her so she didnt think itd work out.
I feel horrible. My feelings for her have only increased.
She was my first, so I know this is going to be hard to get over.

This was supposed to be my birthday weekend. But all that has happened is a realization. A realization of how lonely I really am. Im digusted by my lack of friends. My own girlfriend hasnt even contacted me. I feel like I put myself on the edge for that girl just waiting for her to say jump. And what do I get. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. I dont get anything anymore. And I really cant wait until I can leave.

My ears are bells and they're the phone turned up on high.
And the chatter from the tables could be the fire from dull eyes.
Easily, Im declining into the molten layers of the earth.
And I know youve touched more flaming skin than the both of us.
For the longest time I thought my smile would never rise from sleep.
The stiff hands on that brass body never had a chance to defeat
when softer flesh kissed the smile and watched it slowly breathe
like a first breath of a newborn, but with less crying in between.
Yes, and then the mercury grew hotter and too tall for us to reach.
So we stayed on softer grounds because it's safer here to teach. 
I dove deep into the ocean. I grasped the pearl with care.
I roamed deep into the forest and held onto golden locks of hair.
I swam in waves of silken skin until my lungs turned raw.
My arms and legs shake from exhaustion and the memory of the fall.
Since it's mentioned, me falling from the highest raincloud,
It's you who I was aiming for though I know my actions speak loud.
And Ive built that wall of neglection to protect us from the pain.
And Ive kissed you a thousand times in hopes that you'll do the same.

is it that Im so fucking lame?

The day has been frustrating.
Im emtionally weary.
As well as fucking depressed to the point of tears.
I try to be social.
Nobody wants to be social with me.
I cleaned my car...inside and out.
I cant drive it until monday.
Or tuesday.
I have no money.
Due to me being too friendly.
And my friends being assholes.
Being greedy.
They will never pay me back.
I know this.
But I crave friendship....so much.
I want to go out tonight.
So I can talk to Amber.
The girl who is attracted to me.
The girl who I know nothing about.
The girl I want to get to know.
But I cant.
Because I lack a car.
I lack money.
I lack the friends who will give me rides.
Who will help me the fuck out for a change.
I gave them rides.
I gave them a lot.
All I want are people who are real.
People who will stick up for me.
People who I can depend on.
I cant even depend on myself.




&&Im dying a little bit faster.

&&Im feeling emptier every day.

Ok, so I lack an attention span. I was looking for something on my computer when I stumbled on some old poems of mine from like 9th and 10th grade:

Needy little girl
needing someone's presence
needless to say
she needs her own absence.
Needing someone's eyes
to peek at all her secrets
to feel safe and know
somebody knows
because hiding is too much trouble.
Needing close encounters
with strangers she wants to know
because they know nothing 
and that's all they need to know.
And knowing she can tell them
and knowing they don't care
makes her feel almost needy
and she doesnt want that.
                                                        
(And I dont think this one was finished)

When the wildflowers roam the fields,
they never wander this close to home.
It was foolish to think they stay enclosed.
To think they stay where they belonged.
They sat outside my kitchen window.
And smiled up at the cloudless sky.
And wrote the beauty upon their leaves

Every day is so similar to the previous. Sleep til' noon. Check mail. Answer the phone. "Yeah sure, I'll be out in five." Brush the teeth. Tame the hair. Out the door. In the truck. Down the road. And then we laugh for hours, for lack of better things to do. We talk about the future but live for the moment. We cough and cough and cough. We sound ill, but we feel so good. Our muscles ache, but they've melted away. Maybe some food today, or maybe just some crumbs. We hate our parent's constant nagging. About college. And homework. And chores. We ignore them. We fight back. We rebel and head down streets with no lights at the end. And everything will spin. Colors will seem vibrant and attractive. But they are dull and dirty. They are the dust on our shoes. They are the gray in the clouds. We'll never get out of this town together. We'll find a new fix. We'll find a new life. We'll split. And ten years later, half of us will be wanting what we had. The other half in jail. The other half will die. And I'll always be looking for love. But my vision will decay. And my brain will be mush. And I'll write poems on the tables of random diners. I'll write poems on roads with chalk and spray paint. I'll write poems on my hands and press them to people's hearts. I'll never be famous. But I'll be known by starving artists. I'll be the spirit bumping into walls. I'll be here. And then I'm gone. I'll make a movie. That is so real. You'll wonder when your part will appear. I'll write a book about my childhood. And it will bore highschool kids to tears. And it will make old friends wonder. They'll wonder how I lived to tell our story. They'll wonder if I could lend them some cash. And I'll move to another country and live like everyone else. And then I will have time. In a metal case. In my pocket. On my hands.

I feel like ripping myself out of this life. Cleaning up. Starting over. But it feels comfortable. It feels safe. It feels good. 

It would be good for me. It would be great for everyone else in my life. I'd save some money. I'd save some brain cells.

But, I feel like this is what I need sometimes.

And I try to think Im a good person. I try. Really.

Other than that :

Im still writing

Im thinking about college in Florida

No longer driving

And Im waiting for that special someone.

I feel like people are always trying to bring me down. Every time I'm a little bit close to happiness, someone decides to bump back into my life and point a finger. Mind you, I never 'bumped' them out in the first place. They just casually walked off. Those are the people I wish would keep on walking. They try telling me I've changed, that they don't know what to do, that what I'm doing is *gasp* bad. Of course I've changed. Of course you don't know what to do because when it all started, you were too confused to help me. I don't know if I'm supposed to apologize to those people or not. "Geez, I'm sorry. I should be who you thought I was all along. Because It's all about making you comfortable. Next we can go and convert people who aren't following your religion." Fuck that.



 

A steady beat, a sturdy floor. Collapsed in neat pile of dirty clothes.
Random slurs dripping,
                                          dripping,
                                                         dripping.
                               Who will fix what we all detest?

                              Who will light those cigerettes?

As we watch the summer set just beyond the ocean's constant smile,
And we watch for miles,
                                          miles,
                                                    miles.
                                Who will fill the tainted glass?

                           Who will watch the minutes pass?

Picture frames have a way of collecting dust.
And I'm lonely and I'm lazy and becoming one myself.
Stacked my books beside my bed for those late nights
where sleep is a phrase we seemed to have forgotten.
And, yes, my eyes are red from inhalation.
And, yes, my bones are sore from this depression.
No, I don't need to talk until I'm sick again
and I'll blame it on you and all the broken rules.
I'll blame it on you and all the empty plans.
I'll blame it on summer and days without my friends.
And this sense of humor needs a glass of water to watch me rise again.
And this unfed organ needs a couple shots of gin.

 

The horizon line is stretching, green against a brick and plaster background.

And on a black stove top, my skin sizzles and pops.

And on a blank thought, I swallow you words in a single gulp.

And muster up the courage to paint you pink and plant a smile on your lips.

Winds carry love you's and press them to our chests.

Our chests, our chests shelter the orchestra.

Our lips, our lips sway to the beat.

Our hands, our hands compose the notes with our fingers.

Our fingers, our fingers dive deep, deep, deep.

And air outside is pleasant, but kills us fast and slow.

And sweet music can be heard, but it's never anything you know.

So we hang our instruments on a line to dry.

And I know it will be soon that my song will be heard.

And you, you my dear will catch it in this moment, tonight.

that I could feel like this. 

That someone so amazing has looked at me.

No.

I mean, they've really looked at me.

And my heart is trembling,

and swelling,

at the thought of it.

Ugh.

I can't breathe anymore.

I need.....(excuse me for sounding lame and needy)....a someone.

I need some love.